Yep, that’s me. A week into my fourth month of pregnancy with baby number four.
The initial shock has worn off, the all day/every day nausea has ceased, and I am settling into the idea that baby#4 is ON THE WAY!
Jason and I celebrated our ten year anniversary in October with a nice, relaxing family vacation on a beach near Valencia, Spain. A few weeks later…a positive pregnancy test! No, this was NOT planned and while Jason was elated with the news, my world had just been rocked.
In those first days & weeks after finding out I was with child, my head was spinning and my heart heavy. Our youngest was only a few months away from turning four. I had started to dream about the next phase of motherhood and ‘me’ hood. The needy infant/toddler years were behind me. The sleep deprivation, night feedings, diapers, teething and mile long checklists of things to pack just to leave the house were all in the distant past. We had three, healthy, independent boys and I was about to step into the light at the end of that long tunnel of the early mothering years. I felt myself being sucked back into the fog of the baby/toddler years.
There was also the fear of another loss. Exactly a year prior, we lost a baby. On Thanksgiving day 2013, 8 weeks pregnant, I miscarried and it took the better part of a year to heal emotionally from the loss. It wasn’t until around week eight or nine of this pregnancy that I trusted it was viable. We saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound and I welcomed the nausea that would be a reminder that this baby was thriving.
13 week ultrasound
I’ve felt so much guilt for the veiled joy, for the nonexistence of those feelings I was ‘suppose’ to be having, but wasn’t. Being honest with those closest to me has really helped work through those feelings. I am thankful for the encouragement and ‘you are not alone’ moments I have experienced from sharing openly.
One of the best parts of this pregnancy has been sharing the news with our boys. Their excitement and curiosity helped in calming those early feelings. They each had positive, enthusiastic reactions to the news. Alex already has an “A” name picked out for a boy, Andrew is wishing for a sister and Ari asks daily “when is the baby getting out of your belly?” They’ve been amusing with their reactions to the ultrasound pictures and my newly formed bump seems quite interesting to them.
Now that I am feeling better physically and emotionally, I am ready to embrace the next twenty four weeks, or so, and the miracle of this little life growing in my womb. My next doctor’s appointment will be on February 2nd. We have not decided if we want to find out the baby’s sex, but could have that chance during this next visit!
I feel excited just thinking about the possibility!